The Paris Sh*t Show
To Swim Or Not To Swim
Bienvenue à Paris, the city of light, known for its cuisine, history, architecture and romance, where the Seine River winds its way gracefully through the heart of the city.
Imagine strolling along the Seine's banks, the Eiffel Tower winking at you from afar, and the Notre Dame Cathedral chiming in as if it's sharing the latest gossip. The Seine, with its elegant curves, flaunting its charm to all who pass by. The Seine is not just a river; it's a liquid work of art that brings life and poetry to Paris. So, grab your beret, order a café au lait, and let the Seine sweep you away in its timeless embrace. C'est magnifique!
Yeah right….!
While the Seine may symbolise Parisian beauty, one must acknowledge its quirks. Swimming in the Seine, you ask? That's like attempting to eat escargot with a spoon - possible, but not exactly recommended.
You see, beneath the picturesque surface of the Seine lies a secret: the occasional infusion of sewage. The river says, "I may be elegant, but I have a mischievous side." At inopportune times, when you least expect it, the Seine can transform into a not-so-fragrant adventure.
To swim or not to swim is the question we soon found out when I arrived in Paris with the New Zealand team for the WTS Olympic Triathlon Test Event. The Seine, like a capricious lover, needs help to make up its mind when it comes to bacterial counts. Fear not, for the event organisers have a solution as ingenious as a freshly baked baguette - hourly monitoring! It's like having your personal immune system bodyguard. (Figure 1).
Just a few weeks before the triathlon test event, the Olympic open water swim test event, also held in the Seine, was cancelled because the poo count was well above the allowed threshold, leaving the triathletes contemplating a duathlon. But on the first day of the competition, the women's swim was given the green swim light. Despite its unpredictable mood swings, the bacterial count played nice - even if the water temperature rose faster than a soufflé in the oven! The Seine’s temperature was measured at 18.5 degrees at 6 a.m., well below the cut-off temperature of 20 degrees to allow for a wetsuit swim. While the women were hoisting themselves into their wetsuits, there was a sudden announcement that the water temperature had miraculously risen to 20.5 degrees within a very short time and the confirmation that it would now be a non-wetsuit swim. Let’s be kind and blame the French flair: C’est la vie.
As the race began, it became clear that the stronger-than-expected current would play a major role. The swim pack shot downriver at a speed sub 1 minute per 100 meters, keeping the swimmers in a tight cluster. In this case, what goes downstream must come upstream, and the return leg proved a tad slower. Drafting behind the leading swimmers who broke the current for the rest of the field became doubly effective.
Racing was close and exciting with superb weather conditions and the backdrop of some of Paris's best-known architectural features added to the spectacle. Beth Potter of Great Brittain took the honours in a tight finish with home town favourite Cassandre Beaugrand.
The sequel to our aquatic adventure unfolds with all the drama of a French film noir! On day two, it was the men's turn, and trouble was afoot, or "afloat," upstream. Paris's finest sewage effluent had decided to embark on its own Seine-side vacation, causing quite the ruckus among the race organisers. This time, we could not blame French flair for the mishap; it was more likely a matter of notorious French bureaucracy, where different departments choose not to communicate with other departments as that is too much bother. Unbeknown to the race organisers, the management of a poo-holding reservoir upstream had decided that it was time to off-load some of its sewage into the Seine. They must have been blissfully unaware of the Olympic triathlon test event downstream. When nearby testing sites picked it up, it was too late; the damage was done.
The race organisers worked through the night, trying to calculate the exact moment when this not-so-delightful effluent would join the swim course. The men were warned with a message at 4 a.m. to be prepared for a possible duathlon.
But lo and behold, the Seine played its unpredictable tune once again. The athletes were given the green light for the swim, but only just, as they had to swim fast to avoid a collision with the fast-approaching sewage! And swim fast they did, creating a déjà vu moment of tight racing, much like the women's race.
New Zealand’s wonderboy, and one of the favourites for the race, Hayden Wilde, faced a rather unusual challenge. A pre-race bike crash in the dark on the way to the race left him with a bruised hip. Despite coming out of the water nearly a full minute behind the front group, within a few laps, Hayden did the Wilde thing for which he has become known: biking up to the front group, picking up all the stragglers spread out behind the lead-group of nine, resulting in a massive peloton. Coming off the bike for the run, it became clear that a limping Wilde was in trouble, leaving Alex Yee to claim an easy victory by a significant margin.
Our Parisian triathlon tale continues with the third act (day three), featuring the para-triathlon! It turned out that the effluent, the persistent character in our story, was taking its time to pass along the swim course.
But, as they say, every cloud has a silver lining; in this case, every effluent has a blessing in disguise. It had become clear that some of our para-athletes might have struggled against the Seine's unruly current on the homeward leg of the swim, potentially ending up in the Atlantic Ocean. For them (and the organisers), the duathlon format came to the rescue
On day four, the stage was set for the grand finale, the pièce de résistance of our Parisian triathlon saga - the mixed team relay, a crowd-pleaser that has taken the world by storm since its Olympic debut in Tokyo in 2021. Against all odds, there was a glimmer of hope that the Seine's waters would magically transform into a swimmable paradise, but the river had its own stubborn agenda.
So, with a sigh and perhaps a dash of French resignation, the duathlon format was embraced for the second day in a row. It was still a thrilling spectacle, reminiscent of a Parisian high-speed chase through the city's enchanting streets, with Germany taking the honours in a tight finish with Great Britain.
The test event showed a glimmer of what is possible. The prospect of a triathlon in the heart of Paris, with the Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe as a backdrop, is a spectacle that could steal the show at the 2024 Olympic Games. That is, as long as Paris can get its sh*t sorted…. And then there is the small matter of the Seine's current to contain on the day the Para-triathlon will be held….
So, here's to a triumphant 2024 Olympic triathlon in Paris, where the Seine behaves, the athletes shine (in particular ours), and the world watches in awe. Vive la France, and Vive le triathlon
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